Damn Yankee Computer

Well, I’ve got a bit of a problem. You may have heard me mention that I am writing two books simultaneously, a Southern snarky chicklit and another Georgian-era historical. I’m coping fairly well with it — being schizophrenic has its benefits — but I’ve found I do best by typing the modern story into my computer, and writing out the historical longhand, with my favorite, very expensive, fountain pen.

And therein lies the problem. I now have several thousand lovely historical-romance words in my cute little striped journal, which I carry with me everywhere. But how am I going to get all those words into my computer, where I can edit, revise, and (someday) email them off to an agent of editor?

I figured I would just have to tippy-tap-type them, til one of the computer guys at my day job skittered into the light long enough to mutter “Dragon Dictation” before returning to the nether regions from whence he came.

When I googled it, lo and behold, Dragon Dictation looked like the answer to my prayers. I can just read my WIP out loud, and Dragon will type it up for me. Oh, sure, there will be things to straighten out with the keyboard, but what a timesaver it will be!

Uh, well, no.

I think Dragon Dictation is the last battle in the Unfortunate War Between the States. (You Yankees refer to that unpleasantness as the Civil War, but according to my family’s stories, there wasn’t much civil about it.)

I can just see Sherman and his aides, sitting around a campfire outside Macon, as the General says, “even this here March Thru Georgia will look tame compared to what my boys at Dragon are gonna do to these Rebels’ speech patterns!”

I spent the better part of an evening in a fruitless attempt to train the Yankee heart of my iPad to comprehend the gracious inflections of Southern speech, to no avail.

After hours of work, here’s my best result, on a single sentence from my historical —

Typed: The Duke must have seen them enter the room, for he soon appeared in the doorway, accompanied by Martin.

Simple. Easy-peasy, rice-and-cheesy, right?

Dragon’s Version: The deck must’ve seen them intraplant very soon you’re Peardon the Norway accompanied by Mark.

Um, ok, tell them to hold off on inscribing that Rita Award for a while. Technical difficulties.

Damn Yankee computer.